Breaking News

"Tonight, on Watchdog News... are your kids participating in a serious new fad known as "chalking"? A recent report from the Department of Health and Human Safety suggests that children are smuggling cocaine into schools and getting high during class hours. The students reportedly smuggle the cocaine in disguised as sticks of chalk"

"Law enforcement authority Lawrence Winchester of Huntersville, Mississippi had this to say...'

"It's an epidemic. And people need to know that this is going on in their children's classrooms. We've got kids smuggling in giant Crayola boxes of pure cocaine."

"Huntersville parent Michelle Baumbach responded by saying..."

"Where would a kid in Huntersville even find pure cocaine? I just don't understand kids these days."

"Steven Weilding, a junior at Huntersville Highschool had this to say on the subject..."

"I don't know anyone doing it... at all. No one. They really call it chalking?"

"When school official were questioned the school's principal Walter Hardy had this to say..."

"No one is allowed to bring chalk to school anymore. Not even teachers. We are spending the remaining budget on switching our visuals over to PowerPoint."

The Little Fish Maid

She sat across the table from me, her mouth absentmindedly falling open and snapping closed. There was no doubt she was beautiful, if a bit unsteady on her feet. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She was found on the beach that morning. Some said she floated to shore on seafoam like Aphrodite. Some said she was found flopping about like a beached fish. I’m not sure I believed either tale.  I’m not sure it mattered.  There she was, staring silently at me.  I’ve never felt more mesmerizing.  I’ve never seen a girl so mesmerizing.  She was a curiosity and curiosity surrounded her every move.  I’ve brought many girls to dine in the crystal ballroom, with its glass windows stretching from floor to ceiling, but none of my companions were so impressed with the view as she.  It was as though she had never seen the city (or any city) before. She stood utterly astounded and pointed excitedly at everything.  She did have a bit of fright when my butler rapped on the glass doors to see if we were ready for dinner.  She darted behind a large houseplant and refused to come out until she had been assured that she was in no danger. She has yet to have said a word to me, but I get the distinct impression she wants to kiss me.  The feeling is mutual, although I have this horrible cold-sore under my lip.  I wouldn’t want to pass it on to her.  The doctor says that it should be healed in three days time. It will be hard to wait that long, but I suppose we have all the time in the world for that sort of thing.

Hal Hannigan's Discount Magic Carpet Dealership

Welcome folks, to Hal Hannigan's Discount Magic Carpet Dealership.  Step right in and I know we have the perfect carpet for you.  How about a luxury throw?  All the comfort and style a person of your impeccable taste could ask for.  Looking for speed?  How about this microfiber mat?  Soars like an eagle.  They used to be used in the military but they've finally adapted them for discerning civilians like you.  Or perhaps you're looking for a model that will fit your growing family.  If so, we have the perfect area rug for you.  Plenty of space and new child safety locks.  Just imagine taking your kids to the beach in this baby.  You'll certainly be the Joneses in this top-of-the-line material.  And if you're the eco-friendly type please consider one of our 100% organic cotton welcome mats.  It's small, but that's just economical. 

            Of course if you're not seeing anything in your budget you can always go with one of our pre-owned models.  They're a bit frayed at the edges but Hal Hannigan only sells the best. Gar-un-teed.  You won't find any carpet squares here.  No sir, just good, honest, magic carpets.  Made in the good ole' U S of A. 

Disney/Star Wars Quote Mashups

Jasmine: The guards took a boy from the market… on YOUR orders!

Han: Look, your Worship I was only trying to help.

Charlotte: Why look at you! Aren't you just as pretty as a magnolia in May?

Yoda: when 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not.

Governor Tarkin: You don’t know how hard I found it, signing the order to terminate your life

Mary Poppins: In every job that must be done there is an element of fun.

Darth Vader: Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son.

Bruce: Now there goes a father. Looking for his little boy.

Han: Lando’s not a system he’s a man

Peg: He’s a tramp, but they love him

Count Dooku: Master Kenobi, you disappoint me. Yoda holds you in such high esteem.

Chang: How could I make a man out of you?

The Emperor: Now, young Skywalker… you will die.

Merriweather: Not in death, but just in sleep, this fateful prophecy you'll keep. And from this slumber you shall wake, when true love's kiss, the spell shall break.

Wendy, John, Michael: We can fly! We can fly! We can fly!
[the children all fall to the ground]
Peter Pan: This won't do. What's the matter with you?

Darth Vader: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Qui-Gon Jin: There's always a bigger fish.

Sharks: Fish are friends, not food.

Simba: Everything the light touches... But what about that shadowy place?

Yoda: Hard to see the dark side is.

Leia: You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.

Aladdin: It’s a magic carpet

C-3PO: I'm rather embarrassed, General Solo, but it appears that you are to be the main course at a banquet in my honor.

Lumiere: Don’t believe me? Ask the dishes!

Jasmine: Soaring, tumbling, free-wheeling through an endless diamond sky.

C-3PO: Oh my. Space travel sound rather perilous. I can assure you they will never get me on one of those dreadful Star Ships.

The Beast: If she doesn’t eat with me, than she doesn’t eat at all!

Han: One thing's for sure, we're all going to be a lot thinner.

Scar: Oh, I shall have to practice my curtsy.

Darth Vader: You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander. I am here to put you back on schedule.